I started seeing a therapist. I talked. I gave her the story. My childhood. Daddy issues. Every stereotype that goes along with the Daddy issues. I’ve seen it, I’ve done it, it’s been done to me, I’ve done it to others, and I’ve probably taught a class on it. Fill in the blanks with whatever darkness you can envision and depending upon your background/imagination, trust that I would give E.L. James a run for her money. It got sinister.
My journey was full of chaos and I built walls and quite an impressive defensive line by the time I reached Preschool.
It’s amazing what the mind is capable of doing to protect itself. Survival mode is really quite stunning when a childs environment is threatened. I’ll discuss more details of survival mode in future posts but for the time being, I’ll give you the cheat sheet of how I got by. Numbing. There are so many different ways to numb your self. I’m sure drugs comes to mind first but there are SOOOOO many other ways. Without any substance or outside help, you can find a way to block it all out in your head and your heart. The mind is an amazing tool, I tell you.
What’s even more amazing is that I didn’t even realize I was numb for the majority of my life. When you numb out the anger, the fear, the hurt… the bad stuff, you can’t choose what gets by your defensive linebacker. It can be the quarterback with the weakest or strongest career and it’s not getting by. So what that means is love, happiness, and the good stuff doesn’t make it to the finish line, either. It’s pretty tragic. I lived most of my life in that state until I came out of my breakdown.
Reference to above photo: I’m a huge Game of Thrones fan thanks to my husband. Our family adores this show and my niece was actually named after one of the characters. There are some incredibly strong female roles in this show. As I write this today, I identify with the strength, drive, and confidence of Khaleesi. If you know the show, you’ll get it. If not, just know that I felt like a phoenix born again out of the flames.
Oops. Spoiler Alert, I make it out of this alive and I make it out of this like a $%&$)(* superhero. Forgive the language. I only use them when I feel it’s needed to get my point across. I slay some bad guys and kick some serious bad guy a$$. Just sayin’.