I did it again. I stayed in my bedroom for 2 days. I missed Thanksgiving. I lost sense of time and space. I made my daughter worry again. I’m pissed. I’m so angry at myself.
I managed to take a shower and change into clothes. I got up, ate a meal (not sure which one) and immediately went back into my pj’s and slippers and hid under the covers. This time, I was able to watch SVU instead of allowing my mind to completely take over but I knew I could be doing more.
It broke my heart to see my daughter worrying about me. I truly believed I was sick. I thought I was coming down with the flu bug or something. Tired, achy, headache, queasy, the usual flu symptoms, but in my heart, I knew this was different. I was afraid to admit it because my days had become so much better. The unicorns were frolicking in the forest of rainbows and my lollipops were creme brule flavored. Life was pretty good and I felt more empowered than ever.
I’m trying to be gentle and remind myself that I have bipolar. Even on medication, I’m going to have ups and downs. I guess I’m just so dang stubborn that I believe if I do my daily affirmations, stay grounded in my relationship with God, and do something every day to better myself, that I could bury that eery darkness and kick it’s a$$ back to where it came from.
Reality is this. I more than likely will live with bipolar for the rest of my life. Some great minds have been rumored to live with bipolar. I want to remind myself of this in my moment of fire breathing unicorns and let others know that some amazing people in the past and present have created amazing history while living with mental illness…
Vincent Van Gogh,March 30 1853 – July 29, 1890) The extent to which his mental health affected his painting has been a subject of speculation since his death. Despite a widespread tendency to romanticize his ill health, modern critics see an artist deeply frustrated by the inactivity and incoherence brought about by his bouts of illness. According to art critic Robert Hughes, Van Gogh’s late works show an artist at the height of his ability, completely in control and “longing for concision and grace.”
The 16th president of the United States of America from March of 1861 until his assassination in April of 1865. He led us in the Civil War, abolishing slavery amongst many other accomplishments. He had to develop coping strategies, a unique perspective, and a personal sense of mission in response to his struggle with mental illness. The story of his mental illness is heavily documented in a book by Joshual Wolf Shenk Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness.
Something current. Russell Brand. Bada$$. An outspoken comedian that has no fear when it comes to expressing his opinion on controversial topics. Whether you love him or hate him, his humor has helped him to deal with many demons such as drug and sexual addiction. I commend him for speaking openly about his mental illness.
While these people are polar opposites, there are many commonalities in the history of their mental health. They have accomplished amazing things and I plan to do the same. I don’t care if I don’t have an entry on Wikipedia, I’m doing this in the hopes that I can make someone feel less alone or change tears into a giggle.
I’m doing this for me, too. I know I’ll get through this. I know it doesn’t have to be like my true breakdown (https://owlofknowledge.wordpress.com/2013/11/18/stuck-like-this-forever/) . I have the awareness and tools to crawl out of this. After writing this post, I already feel better. 🙂