Sunday was amazing. Christmas music, decorations everywhere, family time, and our wedding anniversary.
I went to bed around midnight. I couldn’t sleep. My mind would not stop racing. Like a train station with no conductor, thoughts were everywhere, no destination, structure, or order.
I never fell asleep. I finally gave up tossing and turning, made coffee, and started my day at 3:30am 4:00am. I was in my kitchen at 3:30AM but I waited until 4AM to make coffee. Why, you ask? Well, because it seemed like only a crazy person would make coffee before 4am and I’m not crazy. Right? 🙂
I still had a great day on Monday. I took my daughter to Macy’s 8th floor Christmas display and walked around downtown. I was out of it, but present.
Monday evening, I fell asleep at 9:30pm with little trouble. I awoke at 11pm and couldn’t shut off my thoughts…once again. I started crying. I’m not talking about the kind of crying where a tear or two sneak out during a Life Insurance commercial. I’m talking about the crying where snot is wiped on clothing, your head pounds from pressure, your body rocks back and forth, your tear ducts practically dry out, and like an infant, you gasp for air after each wail. Yea, I know, you are still picturing the snot all over my PJ’s, right? Sorry about that. I was only trying to give you a visual.
Here, maybe a picture of this darlin’ li’l baby will help…
So there I was, a shaking, hot mess of a couch potato, unable to cool off couch potato, during the wee hours of the morning and after very little sleep. I took my Papa’s cross in my hand and I prayed hard. Tears blurred my vision as I asked Him to help me. My hands trembled as I asked for Him to hug me.
How am I here again? I finally fell asleep, cross clutched in my palm, around 3:30am.
Yesterday I was really down again. I was afraid that I was falling back into that dark abyss again. I kept praying. I accomplished very little and never changed out of my PJ’s.
That evening, I had a chat with a close friend and she helped me to snap out of the fog. I took a shower and felt even better. By bedtime, my hubby had me in stitches; I was laughing so hard.
It took a few hours, but I finally slept last night. About 6 hours. Felt great.
Up with my daughter this morning and sent her off to school and overall, I was feeling better. I was still incredibly tired. I took a nap. When I woke up 2 hours later, I finished the laundry, shoveled the driveway and patio, spent some time meditating and praying, and now I’m finishing up this post. Not bad. I still feel a bit guilty about the nap, but I’ll get over it.
Rather boring but I knew I needed to write and embrace my belief that with courage, prayer, and faith, I made it through another difficult bump in the road.
I’m still finding myself. I still have panic attacks, anxiety, and struggle with my Faith frequently, but I’m making it another day. By the Grace of God, I’m still standing. Gotta have Faith. MMMMM, I gotta have Faith. Gotta have Faith. I gotta have Faith, Faith, Faith.
Yea, I went there. Child of the 80’s. What can I say? Now you’ll have an ear worm (thanks, Montana) all day!