Today, I’m angry and scared. Some days I see resemblances of the way my mind once worked. Some days I get a healthy home cooked meal on the table and make a fort with my daughter. Some days I feel like I could be a banker and function normally in society again. Many days, I wake up on a dark cloud of sadness, loss, pity, and a brain saturated in fog.
I’m a bit terrified today. I haven’t had to use that word in awhile. It’s almost like a dirty word for me. Like one that should be censored when rockstars give their acceptance speech on awards shows.
I was at therapy today and as usual, the session went well.She asked me about my recent visit with my psychiatrist regarding my meds. I knew we had chosen to keep them the same but it briefly occured to me that I didn’t recall our session beyond the topic of my medications. We wrapped up our therapy session and once I was secure in my vehicle, I immediately looked At my gmail calendar. I saw the entry for Friday’s appointment with my psychiatrist at 12:45pm. Had I missed it? I wondered if I’d be charged with a no show. How did I forget to go? Did we speak over the phone? I was lost. How did I know my meds were to remain the same?
I called my husband to see if he recalled why I had missed the scheduled appointment. I could hear the confusion in his voice. He looked back at our exchange of text messages from Friday and summarized them for me. I had been dizzy and a bit cloudy and wondered if I should just call in and have a phone conference with my doctor. He was worried about me driving that day, as well. I wanted to fight this stupid disorder and win so I stubbornly had texted back that I would drive and text him when I arrived. Apparently, winning meant driving at that point. I checked in with my husband upon arrival and at my departure of my session. I also texted him to let him know I was stopping at Homegoods prior to heading home.
I have NO recollection of Friday. Nothing. I don’t remember driving. I don’t remember sitting in the waiting room. I cannot recall anything that happened during my session. I don’t know what I wore, what my doctor wore, or what I purchased at Homegoods. The call history on my phone shows a few incoming and outgoing calls but I have no recollection of those conversations. That is a scary feeling.
I can remember my prior appointment with my psychiatrist from Friday the 3rd. She was wearing a green sweater and we talked about how I was feeling and I took notes of my updated medication. Why can I not remember Friday the 10th? Saturday is a blur but I remember events. Details are extremely vague. I cannot recall what people were wearing. Conversation content is scattered. It is almost as if I was watching a tv program while reading a book. I was not all there.
I’m afraid but today, I’m doing what I can. It was a rough day for a few reasons but I’m still fighting. I truly just want to get to a point where I can be the wife and mother I believe I was meant to be and once again become a productive member of society. I want to be able to have a career that not only pays the bills, but where I feel I’m giving something back and helping others. A role model. A story of hardship, battle, and love and success. The Mother with Knowledge.
The Mother of Dragons. The Mother of Owls. The Mother of Dragons.
The Mother of Owls