Misty Water Colored Memories

Today, I’m angry and scared. Some days I see resemblances of the way my mind once worked. Some days I get a healthy home cooked meal on the table and make a fort with my daughter.  Some days I feel like I could be a banker and function normally in society again. Many days, I wake up on a dark cloud of sadness, loss, pity, and a brain saturated in fog.

I’m a bit terrified today. I haven’t had to use that word in awhile. It’s almost like a dirty word for me. Like one that should be censored when rockstars give their acceptance speech on awards shows.

drunk baby

I was at therapy today and as usual, the session went well.She asked me about my recent visit with my psychiatrist regarding my meds. I knew we had chosen to keep them the same but it briefly occured to me that I didn’t recall our session beyond the topic of my medications. We wrapped up our therapy session and once I was secure in my vehicle, I immediately looked At my gmail calendar. I saw the entry for Friday’s appointment with my psychiatrist at 12:45pm. Had I missed it? I wondered if I’d be charged with a no show. How did I forget to go? Did we speak over the phone? I was lost. How did I know my meds were to remain the same?

I called my husband to see if he recalled why I had missed the scheduled appointment.  I could hear the confusion in his voice.  He looked back at our exchange of text messages from Friday and summarized them for me. I had been dizzy and a bit cloudy and wondered if I should just call in and have a phone conference with my doctor. He was worried about me driving that day,  as well. I wanted to fight this stupid disorder and win so I stubbornly had texted back that I would drive and text him when I arrived. Apparently, winning meant driving at that point. I checked in with my husband upon arrival and at my departure of my session. I also texted him to let him know I was stopping at Homegoods prior to heading home.

I have NO recollection of Friday. Nothing.  I don’t remember driving.  I don’t remember sitting in the waiting room.  I cannot recall anything that happened during my session. I don’t know what I wore, what my doctor wore, or what I purchased at Homegoods.  The call history on my phone shows a few incoming and outgoing calls but I have no recollection of those conversations. That is a scary feeling.

losing memory

I can remember my prior appointment with my psychiatrist from Friday the 3rd. She was wearing a green sweater and we talked about how I was feeling and I took notes of my updated medication. Why can I not remember Friday the 10th? Saturday is a blur but I remember events.  Details are extremely vague. I cannot recall what people were wearing.  Conversation content is scattered.  It is almost as if I was watching a tv program while reading a book. I was not all there.

I’m afraid but today, I’m doing what I can. It was a rough day for a few reasons but I’m still fighting.  I truly just want to get to a point where I can be the wife and mother I believe I was meant to be and once again become a productive member of society. I want to be able to have a career that not only pays the bills, but where I feel I’m giving something back and helping others. A role model. A story of hardship, battle, and love and success.  The Mother with Knowledge.  The Mother of Dragons.  The Mother of Owls.

The Mother of Dragons.

mother of dragons

The Mother of Owls

mother of owls


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