I wouldn’t wish this confusion and darkness on anyone, but I do wish I could somehow get people to understand what this feels like.
I have nothing to be sad about. I have everything I need in life. I should be happy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard how lucky I am and that i shouldn’t be depressed, I should be grateful. I am. I have so much gratitude for the life I’ve been gifted.
The darkness is NOT situational. If it was, I would paint unicorns and cotton candy forests on canvases scented with dior miss cherie, while eating a mango flavored everlasting gobstopper. That should be sufficient to cheer me up.
The darkness is not invited in. If the darkness showed up at my door, I would dropkick that SOB and call Chuck Norris to finish him.
I have felt sadness. I have felt low. I have even been suicidal back in my teen years. I knew I was indestructible and figured taking a bottle of pills might get me some much needed attention. What that got me was a mouthful of charcoal and a psych ward staycation. I had a few stays there as a teen.
This is different. This is like a coin toss. At any moment, it can land on tails and I’ll go into my catatonic state. If it’s heads, I will shower, shop, clean, and cook. Sometimes I get to laugh.
The Cloud can come out of nowhere, though. It lurks under the dimly lit Street light that is trying so hard to glow. It pours concrete over my body and turns everything heavy and black. It captures my smile and sells it to a pawn shop where it’s stripped of its original value. I resemble an extraon the Walking Dead as my lifeless eyes stare at objects for minutes or hours. My husband has asked me to try and close my eyes when I’m in that mode but I’m rarely aware of what I’m doing or how long I’ve been a champion in the game of nothingness.
I’m fighting this monster with all of the artillery I can find. I’d be lying if I told you i wasn’t afraid. I am. I’m trying to believe that there is a bipolar fairy that will sprinkle some mania dust on me so I can have a breather from the dark. Putting on my sparkle and charm is possible on occasion but man…it wipes me out. Faking it goes against what I originally wrote in my earlier blog posts, but I have to at least try to be normal, right?