The first day I rose from the ashes of my 60 days of darkness, it was magical. Most of the dark disappeared on September 30, 2013 but if you’re a follower of my blog, you’ll see that I still have a lot of therapy needed. There is still some breakage in this short glass of gin.
I looked at the sky and it was a shade of blue I had never seen. The clouds seem to shimmer and the birds were definitely singing songs for me and I sure didn’t mind. My husband, daughter, and I attended SeaLife Aquarium at the Mall of America. Everything seemed brand new to me. I saw the Sea Worms and starting thinking they were like Sea Rastas jammin’ to some Marley. I danced. I laughed. I’m sure I looked like a 3 or 4 year old to my 9 year old daughter. She was probably a bit embarrassed by my actions. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed this beauty before. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t appreciated all of the amazing things in our universe prior to September 30th.
I’m aware now that some of these behaviors and thoughts were rather manic but I still believe that I had a spiritual experience during this first day of my awakening and I truly believe in God. Whether your God is nature or the universe or the birds, I don’t care what you call it. I choose to call mine God.
I got back from my therapy appointment on 9/30/13 and felt renewed. For the first time in a long time, I opened my wooden blinds facing the neighbor (whom I was extremely terrified of during my breakdown for no reason at all) and I didn’t feel like I “needed” to open them, I felt that I “wanted” to open them. This was a big moment.
As I pulled the wooden blinds up, I heard a wrapping against the window. My first instinct was to jump because I strongly dislike bugs and crawly things. As I continued to pull the blinds to the top, what I saw made my jaw drop to the floor. A beautiful butterfly trapped between the window and the screen. A rather large butterfly. A trapped butterfly. Lord knows I had opened those windows to try and force myself out of depression but it wasn’t everyday. I wondered how long he could’ve been in there.
Panic. Panic in my veins. Not panic to kill the li’l guy, panic to set him free. We only moved into this home at the end of May so I was still learning how to operate appliances and windows, etc. After what seemed like 10 minutes but was only 2, I successfully opened all of the latches, and rolled the window open. I set it free. As I watched it fly away, I felt my soul open. I felt light. I saw sunshine peer through a large pine tree in the back yard. I know it all sounds soooo cliche but I believe that God gets me. He knew I needed a BIG story for how I’d come out of my initial coma of a breakdown. He gave me something symbolic. A butterfly that emerges from a cocoon that finds itself stuck inside a window only to be set free again. I felt ready to fly, too.
At that moment, I decided I didn’t want to live my life to prove something anymore. I wanted to live to love. I wanted to live with purpose. Even with all of the excitement of that day, I was exhausted. Those 2 months took a lot out of me. I had very little sleep or too much sleep. My head ached from all of the tears. My mind would race or sit completely still and empty.
I told myself that after I rested, I would be the butterfly. 9/30/13 would be the new beginning to my story. I would be strong. I would ask for help. I would be real. I would be compassionate. I would forgive myself. I would allow time to heal. I would be worth it.