You think you know how I feel?

So here’s the deal, friends and strangers.  More than likely, you DO NOT know how I feel.  The small circle of trusted friends and family that surround me right now rarely use those words. That is a small part of the reason they are surrounding me right now. I’m blessed.

Trust me, I’ve taken many personality tests after being in sales for over half of my life.  There have been a few minor tweaks over the years in the general order but what generally shows up are… Empathy, WOO (winning others over) Communication, Achievement, and Competition.

book

I am emphatic by nature and when I see someone hurting or speaking passionately about a topic, my instinct is to try and relate.  I rarely use the phrase I know how that feels or I know exactly what that’s like.  It takes away their experience, whether good or bad.  I think empathy is a double edged sword.  When you TRULY empathize, even though I strongly advise that you don’t say it aloud, you sometimes feel what that person is describing.  It physically hurts, it’s like a sharpness in your belly or stabbing pain in your heart. I believe that Kurt Cobain and Janis Joplin are examples of amazing talent in our century that were in so much pain, not only of their own, but the pain of the world. Music could numb for awhile, the drugs came second, and suicide or overdose brought their lives to a bitter end because they felt so STRONGLY. Music is an outlet for pain. It can even sometimes heal, but it can only do so much. God Bless their souls.  I hope they have found peace as they rest.

I FEEL these words yet I can’t IMAGINE the pain he felt…

cobain

For me, the stubborn, bullheaded, “I can do it by myself”, don’t need any help attitude can be a good and bad thing. If you tell me not to bang my head against a concrete wall, I’ll do it 44 times until my forehead is bleeding. I may even pass out because I don’t want to be wrong. At some point, I’ll wake up or the pain will be too much to bare and I will finally admit that it hurts and that you were right. It’s ESPECIALLY hard taking advice lately.

plug ears

I went from being the successful career woman who did craft projects with her daughter, rarely missed a soccer game, watched TV and spent time with my hubby, did the dishes (75% of time time), cooked full meals with fresh ingredients dang near every night, perfect makeup, well dressed, all together Mother, Wife, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Employee.  I handed out cookies to the neighbors, I donated to GoodWill, I went tanning, and…

I GAVE advice.  Sometimes I even felt like (nobody take this the wrong way – I’m being dramatic) Dear Abby. To go from Dear Abby to this weeks Lifetime Drama: SuperWoman drowns into BiPolar Ocean.  Frankly, it sucks.  Hearing advice from everyone and their mother is taking a toll. I also wonder how Superwoman I really was. Could it have been the manic that thought she was on top of everything and super human?

Either way, I’m doing the therapy thing. I know I need to eat better right now.  I know I should go to the gym.  I know I should try Yoga. I should meditate.  I should get dressed and have at least one thing to do everyday.  People, I’m an intelligent woman.  I do know that much.  I know that I’m going to make it out of this. My CT scans show no tumors so I can relax and no that what is going on is due to the high stress or my meds.

yoga

Please, unless you have gone through something very close to this (not depression over a break up or the death of a loved one) than you don’t know.  Even some people I know with Bi-Polar don’t even understand because theirs wasn’t as severe.  Thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for listening and THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING!!!  I really do appreciate it. Please continue to read my blog which provides updates about my current state, information on bipolar, and how you can best support me during this.  I love you all so much and thank God that I have been blessed with such an AMAZING circle of friends and family.  Hugs and Kisses – Cris (I’m out in the open now – no more hiding behind the owl) Please SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK WITH YOUR FRIENDS

friends

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2 thoughts on “You think you know how I feel?

  1. CRIIIIIIIISSSSSTTTTTTAAAAAAAA!!! Love you tons girl. That’s all for now, I hope you cracked a smile, cuz you do that for me. xx sharon

    • SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. Miss you like crazy. Too bad I’m jobless or we could have Benjamins rolled up, pack our bags, and head to a more relaxing place with a much improved climate. 🙂 XO!

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