Off the beaten path

It’s like I’m walking through a forest. It’s dark. There is a path that starts and stops. When I’m on the path, I feel okay. I feel cautious. I’m still afraid. The path gives me a bit of hope that I’ll find my destination in the dark.

When I lose the path, I am frightened. I cry. I lose my place. I lose myself. I feel as if I’ll never find the sunlight again. I’ll never find a way out of this dark place.

Today, I’m off the path. I just got out of the shower and I haven’t stopped crying. Sobbing. Tears all over my shirt. I am so tired of being in pain. Mental and physical. The physical is getting worse. I’m assuming it’s my carpal tunnel but even my legs don’t want to work so I’m not sure. I can’t open containers, I can barely clutch my tooth brush or squeeze my shampoo bottle. It’s excruciating and I don’t know what happens first. The sadness and then the pain or the pain invites sadness in. Either way, I’m miserable.

I’m so sick of this me. I want to rid the world of her. Make her disappear. But the only way to do that is to get better or to off her. I can’t leave my family like this. I can’t. I could never to do that to my sweet girl and to leave my husband to keep going without me… that’s just too much to ask. So I continue here in the flames every day. Burning. The pain is so sharp, so hot.

They have to figure out these meds. I have to get better. I want to see the other side of this again. My life is upside down and I’m so tired of people looking at me like I’m weak. I was never weak. I fought tooth and nail to stay strong. I’m still fighting. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore though. I just want to curl into my husbands arms and fall asleep. I can’t deal with anything in this state.

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