Life on life’s terms

I am so angry at bipolar. I am in the pity stage again.  I thought I was on a roll.  I thought I was learning how to live with this disorder.  In a way,  I see that I had progress, but now I’m close to where I started.

I had my first surgery to get cancer out of my lady parts a few weeks ago.  My post-op appointment is this Thursday and we will figure out what the next steps are.  They have already recommended a hysterectomy.  Thank God that we have our firecracker daughter or my feelings of loss would be more difficult to swallow as a 32 year old woman.  She’s a miracle.

So, what does a sane person do when the doctor says the “c”word? No, really, I’d like to know.  I will share with you how I respond…

I decided that this would be the perfect situation for my dad to come around and change things.  He would love me, check up on me, maybe even shed tear, make up for hating me (his words, not mine).  NOT!

I gave him the news and let him know that the first step was surgery,  scheduled within days of my first appt with the oncologists. 

Here is a question for you, and I’ll even offer multiple choice … which of the following statements best describes how he responded after the initial phone call?

A) Doesn’t call before surgery to wish you luck or say he loves you
B) Doesn’t show up at the hospital before or after the surgery
C) Doesn’t call to see how things went
D) Doesn’t fight for you when you express your sadness over the above reactions and your entire relationship, stating that you must close this door and move on. 

You guys are smart and I know you called it. He yelled on the phone,  acted shocked and angry that I would recommend therapy, and was just fine with having no contact in the future. I had been back and forth with the no contact thoughts for years. Why did I choose now to close our lines of communication?   I kept waiting for him to call,thinking he’d apologize and beg me to give our relationship another chance. My surgery was 3 weeks ago and I haven’t heard a peep. No facebook, emails, texts, or calls. It’s over.  I held out for so long, trying to get him to let go of the past. Everyone else has moved on.  Its been over 15 years and he is so delusional that he truly believes that he is the sole victim. He acts as if my feelings and loss are nothing compared to the hand he was dealt.

My youth and relationship with him consisted of being screamed at, threatened, scared, enduring many sleepless nights due to my parents screaming and my mom crying.  That was just preteens! After that, my teen years were filled with his scorn. He told me his family hated my mom and also hated me. Tough to hear at 14 years old. My mom and I were “she devils”. He decided he would take my younger brother on trips and spoil him, to spite me, to let me know he hated me. Again, his words, not mine.

When I was 6 or 7 months pregnant, I had to pick him up in jail because, once again,  he had been violent with a woman.  His family has NO idea because I’ve always kept my word and buried his secrets. Oh, there is so much more that I’d love to write but I won’t because I need to move forward. I need to be as healthy as I can for my next obstacle,  both mentally and physically.

On Thursday of last week, my husband was let go from the job he has had for 12+ years. I’m trying so hard to be strong for him but failing miserably. He is my rock and I must be his, too. I think we are really going to have to lean on each other with all of the chaos going on. I am so blessed to have him by my side.  He is a man of character that follows through on his vows, loves me endlessly and let’s me know it, has empathy for my bipolar and does everything he can to support me. Of course he’s also an incredible father.  I won the lottery with him.  I don’t need anything besides my husband, my daughter, and our family. I’ll quote Metallica and go with this closing thought…

Nothing else matters.

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